Scientists at Belfast Metropolitan College have discovered a brand new
element.   The new element, Stormontium, (symbol=Sm), has 2 neutrons, 10
assistant neutrons, and 96 deputy neutrons giving it an atomic mass of 108.

These 108 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are
surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called  pillocks.
Since Stormontium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be
detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into
contact.

A tiny amount of Stormontium can cause a reaction which normally takes less
than a second, to take between 4 weeks and 4 years to complete.
Stormontium has a normal half-life of 2 to 5 years.    It does not  decay,
but instead undergoes a restructuring where a portion of the assistant
neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Stormontium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each
reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that
Stormontium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.
This hypothetical quantity is referred to as a critical morass.

When catalysed with money, Stormontium bonds with Administratium,
(symbol=Ad), an element that radiates as much energy as Stormontium, since
it has twenty times the number of pillocks but half as many morons.
Administrative pillocks are characterised by an aversion to using up energy.
The more pillocks there are in Administratium the less energy they use

Scientists concluded that in its present form there were very few practical
uses for Stormontium.